Tuesday, March 11, 2014
What is 4?
I am not OK.
It's easier for me to pretend that I am when I'm with my parents. I get distracted (like helping my dad navigate FB, and helping him start a blog.) My mom pumps me full of delicious food. They help take care of the kids.
For a time, a short time, I can forget what I'm dealing with.
But then it comes back.
I loved my due date. I loved the thought of having a new baby by Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I know that I can't rest all my hopes in seeing a baby on the ultrasound, but I was hoping for that. The only baby I've seen on ultrasound is Maddy.
Every other one... Nothing. My hcg is too low. Not a sac. Not a fetal pole. Not a body. Empty, crappy uterus.
It makes it weird to grieve when there is no body. Other people can say, "I know I lost a baby ... I saw the heartbeat."
I have no such validation.
I believe personhood starts at conception. And it is that belief that allows me to grieve. I don't grieve for a lost pregnancy. Or a lost opportunity. Or a late period.
I grieve because my baby was real, even if only God could see them.
I didn't want to know our hcg this last time. There are lots of reasons for that, but the nurses ran it anyway and now I know.
I only made it to 35.
I hate numbers. They just make it too easy to compare. I hate when I feel like my 7-8 week losses are more important than my 5-week ones.
35 sounds so low, almost like it didn't even matter.
But it did. It mattered to me.
I feel lonelier this time.
Almost all of my close, dear friends that I love are pregnant ... As they should be. It just means I don't feel like I can talk to them about this. I don't want to call them and cry, lest they feel survivor's guilt. Or lest I feel jealous.
For first time ever, I don't want to go to Vegas for my business conference.
It's so weird... I claim that I am lonely, but I can't stand the thought of being surrounded by so many people.
I realized that this is the first miscarriage that didn't happen on a weekend. I'm so accustomed to Ryan being home, and someone taking the kids, that this is the first day I will have to go through the bulk of the physical aspect of it while taking care of the kids.
Today my spirit feels broken on a whole new level.
1 is enough. 2 is ridiculous. 3 is incomprehensible. 4? What is 4?
4 is loneliness.