Why I blog

The following is my very first post as a bereaved mom. It explains why I blog. And why I want to share YOUR story too.

 

If you want to share your story of pregnancy loss or infertility on my blog -- please comment below and we'll be in touch.

 

Chronicles of the grieving mom

Just so you know, this post might not be for you.

It's not going to be fun. Or fit altogether in this nice, neat little package that makes you feel good inside.

Because right now, nothing in my life feels nice or neat. I either feel totally numb and empty -- or so full of raw emotion that I want to breakdown and cry, or throw something and hurt something, or hurt myself.

I lost my little baby. My sweet, sweet baby that just wanted a place inside of me that was safe to grow. Just a safe and cozy place where she could burrow down and develop into this amazing little miracle of a person.  Instead of burrowing in my uterus, that was ready and waiting for her, she got cozy in my fallopian tube. 

How I wish I could have willed her little body forward, down into the special place God created her to be for 9 long months!  Instead, we got just a few weeks.

At times today, I wondered if I was the lucky one?  So many people lose their babies -- and no one knows.  I had the emergency surgery. I had family have to take Maddy because I couldn't take care of her.  I got the bedrest, the time to myself, the time to grieve.  I got the flowers, and the dinners at home. I am thankful -- but I also feel like I don't deserve it. So many other moms don't get any extra help, no dinners, no flowers. Few people may even know that they suffered a loss.

On Saturday, the day after I believed I had miscarried, I was so full of grief. I was tired of being around people, so I took an almost 2-hour-long shower at our hotel. All I could think of was, if I'm going through this, other people are too.  How can we break the silence?

I don't normally like to put myself out there like this. To be honest about how much this hurts. To admit that I'm so not in control. But if it could help one other woman . . . I think it's worth it. If I share my grief, and just one more person had help working through her grief, then maybe my baby's short life could make a difference.

To my sweet baby girl, I love you and miss you with all of my heart.

7 comments:

  1. Rachael, I lost my baby Peter 1 and half years ago. I was 37 weeks 5 day. It was one of the hardest thinks that has ever happened but my husband and I were carried through this tragedy by the prayers of so may. I would love to share my story. I am now expecting a baby and I'm sharing my journey at http://twelveweeksand2days.blogspot.com/. I have not shared my story but I think it would be healing to write it out. I have started a few times but never actually completed it. Thanks for you time and what you do.

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    1. Hi Adrienne, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Peter. Please email me your story at renyeart@gmail.com, and I will post it. It will take me some time to get it up as I've had a recent influx of stories recently. Thanks for reading, and I'm glad the blog is helping. Hugs!!

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  2. Rachel, I happened onto your blog from face book post. I LOVE your blog, and your openness. I have suffered with infertility for 9 long years and went through a failed adoption and one miscarriage. So, so hard. We are still waiting for our family to expand. Just me, hubby and puppy. I would like to share my story. I have felt so isolated and alone from my infertility. Its hard. No one close to me suffers with it, so I am not understood and really all alone. I love that I can feel connected to others who I don't even know but understand what I feel. Thank you for sharing. My blog is www.whoshotmystork.blogspot.com. -Keira

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    1. Hi keira, I'm so sorry for all the loss/struggles you've had on your journey. Feel free to email your story to me at renyeart@gmail.com. Hugs to you.

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  3. I lost two babies over ten years ago. I have been blessed with five living children but I often think of the ones I lost. I have never thought of sharing my story, but reading your blog has inspired me and I feel like it would be a good thing for me to be able to do.

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    1. Thank you, Laura, for feeling free to express that openly. Often it is misunderstood to tell that to someone you haven't known long or even much about them, yet there is something speaking to your heart proclaiming that you just know that you love them even though you may not completely know why.

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