Thursday, December 29, 2011

Taking a day off

Today, I'm taking the day off. As in, it's almost 5 and I'm still in my PJs. And I didn't get out of bed until *gasp* noon.

I'm trying to give myself permission to just be, and feel what I need to feel, and do what I need to do, without worrying about whether I'm being productive or am helping my family or meeting goals.

This is such a change of pace from my normal life. And it won't be this way for forever. But I've spent the day playing with Maddy, watching Finding Nemo snuggled up next to her, and reading pregnancy loss forums and articles.

Tonight, we'll have cake for Maddy's birthday. And who knows what else I'll do. Probably cry some. Maybe journal for a bit. (Going through the recent surgery definitely brought up anxiety and fears that surrounded Madelyn's birth. And it was just compounded by Maddy's birthday. So more I need to work through.)

This morning I woke up with a feeling of peace for the first time in weeks. Perhaps it's because last night my hubby and I were able to resolve some conflict. It seems that losing a baby raises a lot more issues than just the baby passing (which is horrible enough on it's own.) I have to deal with physically recuperating, dealing with grief and loss of hopes and dreams, fear over my body, questioning whether we'll ever get pregnant again, dealing with Madelyn's fits (as she knows something is up) . . . as well as concern for the financial side of things as we start to get hospital bills. All that adds stress to a marriage -- making just one more (very important) thing that needs to be sorted out.

Seriously, if I know my hubby and I are on the same page, life is just so much better.  If we are supporting each other in what we need -- it makes all the difference in the world. Sometimes, that's not easy though.

Ok, that's just an update on my day . . . giving myself permission to do nothing except what I want to do, and to let everything else take care of itself -- at least until tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011


So it's 3 am .... And im blogging in bed from my phone. (please forgive me for spelling issues or incorrect punctuation.)

I guess insomnia is going to be part of the new me. At least for a while. As soon as we found out something wasn't right with our pregnancy, sleep has alluded me till the wee hours of the morning. Even when my body is exhausted, my mind isn't ready to give in.

I've been around people for quite a bit today. Maybe i just need more time to process something.

One thing that's been on my brain is the sanctity of life issue. I'm pro-life. And i did not have to choose to abort my baby. But if there was one instance where i can understand it completely, it's in the area of ectopic pregnancy.

I've quasi-joined a forum for people that have had EPs (ectopic pregnancies). Many of them chose to end the pregnancy before rupture. And i can't fault a single one of them.

Tonight i read 2 blogs that felt very strongly that ending a baby's life is murder no matter what. (both were on the subject of whether it was morally ok to end a baby's life in ectopic pregnancy). They trivialize the risk (i felt) of rupture and maternal death.

Maybe because i seem to find myself in the small percent whose tube actually ruptured, i feel different about the risk. i am not a number ... Im not a statistic ... Im a person. A real live girl who has a hubby and a daughter to take care of.

I am more confused than ever about the issue. But my gut cannot feel anything but that women who have ectopics are both victims of a very, very unfortunate circumstance ... the kind that we all pray we never have to be in. In my mind, i just cannot see these women as murderers, (even as my brain tends to agree with the blogs' argument).
They all grieve very deeply for their loss.

And I'd also like to point out that women with a diagnosed ectopic are not given the choice to save their baby's life. It's always ... "Do you want the shot (if it's early enough) or surgery?" Not... "do you want to wAit this out to see if you naturally miscarry before your tube ruptures?"

On a different note, i started a journal for baby O. I haven't written in it (or on here)as i had intended, but its been very busy with Christmas, family and maddy's bday.

A few milestones i hit this week .... Saturday was the first day i woke up and my first thought was something other than "my baby is dead." i haven't cried as often ... But i think that's in part to All the distractions. My crazy, all-consuming emotional turmoil has been replaced by a dead, numb feeling of being in a really bad mood for no reason. My family has been amazing at taking me for whatever mood im in and loving me through it ... Even as my personality has been all over the place, many times in ways that are really not normal to me.

I've craved solitude, quiet and peace without much noise or clutter. Anything that i feel distracts me from thinking about my baby when i feel the need to makes me irritated and upset. I need to learn to listen to my heart more and excuse myself if i need to.

Physically, i am better. This whole thing has thrown my body for a loop with still having pregnancy hormones in me. Today's been the first day the nausea wasnt for more than an hour .... Yesterday, it was pretty miserable. My abdomen is still quite swollen, so most of my clothes dont fit. On christmas eve i was forced to wear maternity pants. Its salt in the wound to look and feel more pregnant now that I've lost the baby, than before when I actually WAS pregnant.

I am getting back to a more normal pace of life .... But still not anywhere near what i was used to doing. Today my body reminded me that i was still recovering when it insisted on a mid afternoon nap.

One last thing .... Im getting past the initial shock of not being pregnant anymore. The day after i "miscarried" (i thought i had passed the baby friday night , only to discover on tuesday that it was ectopic and i needed emergency surgery due to a ruptured tube) .... Anywway, the day after i miscarried, i was at panera and got coffee because i could. I broke down at the coffee table bc i could drink coffee now that i didn't have to take care of a baby in me. It sounds dumb... But getting through the firsts of not being pregnant has been hard.

I think taking down the tree will be hard. I was pregnant and full of life, joy and expectation as i hung the ornaments with maddy. That tree is the last visible reminder of my pregnancy ... Assuming that is, tha my body's swelling has gone down by then. At any rate, it just seems so final.

I guess that's it for now.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Chronicles of the grieving mom

Just so you know, this post might not be for you.

It's not going to be fun. Or fit altogether in this nice, neat little package that makes you feel good inside.

Because right now, nothing in my life feels nice or neat. I either feel totally numb and empty -- or so full of raw emotion that I want to breakdown and cry, or throw something and hurt something, or hurt myself.

I lost my little baby. My sweet, sweet baby that just wanted a place inside of me that was safe to grow. Just a safe and cozy place where she could burrrow down and develop into this amazing little miracle of a person.  Instead of burrowing in my uterus, that was ready and waiting for her, she got cozy in my fallopian tube. 

How I wish I could have willed her little body forward, down into the special place God created her to be for 9 long months!  Instead, we got just a few weeks.

At times today, I wondered if I was the lucky one?  So many people lose their babies -- and no one knows.  I had the emergency surgery. I had family have to take Maddy because I couldn't take care of her.  I got the bedrest, the time to myself, the time to grieve.  I got the flowers, and the dinners at home. I am thankful -- but I also feel like I don't deserve it. So many other moms don't get any extra help, no dinners, no flowers. Few people may even know that they suffered a loss.

On Saturday, the day after I believed I had miscarried, I was so full of grief. I was tired of being around people, so I took an almost 2-hour-long shower at our hotel. All I could think of was, if I'm going through this, other people are too.  How can we break the silence?

I don't normally like to put myself out there like this. To be honest about how much this hurts. To admit that I'm so not in control. But if it could help one other woman . . . I think it's worth it. If I share my grief, and just one more person had help working through her grief, then maybe my baby's short life could make a difference.

To my sweet baby girl, I love you and miss you with all of my heart.