Monday, March 10, 2014

Miscarriage won

Sometimes words just come to me, and writing feels as easy as breathing.

This is not one of those times.

Miscarriage won.

My body has made it impossible, yet again, for my baby to even develop. It has made November 12 an empty day. It is betraying me by cramping and bleeding when I shouldn't be.

I know. Cramping and bleeding ARE what your body is supposed to do in a miscarriage.

But miscarriage isn't natural. As much as we say it is, it isn't. I don't think God created reproduction with the intent of making some of us lose our kids. Just like death wasn't part of his original plan.

I know many of you want to say you're sorry. And I know you are. For whatever reason, I'm really struggling with hearing I'm sorry.

Maybe because I'm not. I did every. single. thing. I know to do to keep this baby around.

I'm not sorry for taking all the necessary pills. Or for eating well. Or for conceiving a baby. I'm not sorry we got pregnant. I'm not sorry for having hope that this time we'd get a baby. I'm not sorry for trying again.

What I am is angry.

I'm angry that no matter what I do, it isn't enough. I'm angry that this is my lot. I'm angry that I'm faced with grief yet again, and STILL, no plan for how to achieve a healthy pregnancy. I'm angry that I must face the pain of a miscarriage.

I'm angry that while my heart is ready to love a little baby, my womb is ready to kill them.

I'm angry as I watch my husband struggle. I feel like I have let him down. I feel like I have let everyone down.

I'm angry that each pregnancy is so short. That it is over before it even has much of a chance to begin.

I want to write something spiritual, about how God's got this, and I still love Him. He does and I do. But I think I want to write this just to make YOU feel better. Not because that actually is how I feel right now. I know I'll get there probably sooner than later.

For now, I feel hopeless with my body. I feel so angry that I don't get to meet this baby yet. I feel so frustrated that I have to write this post to begin with.

So that's where I am.

The hopes, dreams and life of this little baby are gone, swallowed up by an ugly miscarriage.

Today, miscarriage won.

16 comments:

  1. May God wrap you and your husband in His arms. Prayers.

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  2. Praying for you in your grief and frustration <3

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  3. I stumbled on your blog just a couple days ago. I lost my first baby last year at 34 weeks. I got so sick of people saying, "I'm sorry!" I can totally understand that feeling. So I won't say sorry. I'll say that sucks and it isn't fair and my heart is breaking for you, even though I don't know you. My heart goes out to you and your family, and you will be in my prayers.

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    1. Thanks Kaitlin. I hate that you can relate, and that your precious baby died. Big hugs.

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  4. This sucks! I do know how you feel and it sucks! Big hugs and love to you and yours.

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    1. SAS, I wish you never knew this feeling. :( and you are so right... It sucks!!

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  5. How heartbreaking. Anger has its place and is probably better expressed than suppressed. Thinking of you. xx

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    1. Thanks Lisa. I agree... Better to express it. I have learned that lesson the hard way. Thanks for your support.

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  6. I'm angry too! This isn't the way it's supposed to be! It's not supposed to be like this! And I'm sad too, I'm angry and I'm sad.

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    2. Thank you, Sally, for grieving with me.

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  7. I remember being so angry after my fourth loss. I couldn't even really be sad, I was so mad. I expected it and I hated that I was in a place that I wasn't even hopeful anymore. I'm heartbroken for you. It's so unfair. Be angry. Yell, scream, and throw things if you need to. You have every right. Miscarriage is awful, period. But I think recurrent loss is its own special kind of hell. Praying for comfort, strength, and answers.

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    1. Thank you Ashlee, I know you know this road all too well. <3

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  8. I suffered my first loss of losing twins at 9 weeks just a few weeks ago, and I just found your blog. It's so sad, frustrating, and scary. My doctor seems to think that it was just an abnormality, but even hearing that "just" part makes me want to scream sometimes. I know people mean well when they say "I'm sorry" but most of these people have had healthy babies with no trouble! Your blog has blessed me as I begin this journey over again, and I'll be praying for you.

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