Saturday, March 8, 2014

A day in limbo

Several of you have told me you are praying for me and my family, and it means the world to me. So thank you, thank you, thank you!

Today was a blah day, and the weather of rainy (close to) Seattle really matched my mood.

I haven't been sleeping well this week (a shock, I know). Every time I've woken up, I can't fall back asleep. So Maddy came in at 5 this morning, and I laid there for 2 hours just waiting to fall back asleep. As soon as I started falling back asleep, little miss woke up.

At least little miss was a little balm to my heart . Maybe she just knew I needed some extra love or something, but she was absolutely adorable this morning and made me laugh so many times. Her new favorite thing to say is, "Awww, man!" I think it's a revised version of "Amen," but she has impeccable timing when she breaks it out.

Later tonight as I was folding laundry, she wanted me. A LOT. She kept asking for hugs, and would squeeze her little arms around my neck so tight. Not in a clingy way, as she was actually quite happy. But usually, I'm the one offering more affection than she wants, so today was really out of the ordinary in a really good way.

Maddy, not to be outdone by her sister, gave me equal amounts of attention. At times, there was definitely a "fight for mom's lap" going on.

At least I didn't end up like this today.

Ryan graciously let me take a long nap late this morning. After I woke up is when the melancholy kicked in. I realized I didn't want to get out of bed at all. I didn't really want to do anything.

Ryan made me go take a shower. (Thanks, babe.)  Maddy picked out my outfit, and did a pretty good job. (You guessed it. Leopard print. In her words, "You can never have enough leopard print.")

I tried VERY hard not to take a home pregnancy test as the results of those kept freaking me out, and caused a lot of stress. The nurse I talked to said that they weren't that reliable for measuring the amount of hcg, and I should stop.

I'm going to try to heed her advice again tomorrow.

As for the rest of the day, I felt mostly numb. I don't think I've cried a single tear, which is probably making up for yesterday, where I cried buckets of them.

I cancelled all my plans for this weekend. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be around people or not, but my husband is definitely someone who likes to be alone when upset, so I knew that I should just cancel everything.

I know I can't cancel all of my life right now, as we could still be waiting for weeks. (Or maybe just till tomorrow. Who knows?) But I am really afraid of being out of the house when the pain or bleeding starts.

It probably won't just start with a bang. I'm sure I'll spot, or get cramps. There will be signs. But I'll never forget passing what I knew to be my baby at a gas station off the highway with our last miscarriage. I want to do a better job this time of protecting myself from added stress (like being away from home when it happens.)

I guess I've given much more thought to this ending up as a loss, and not as a viable baby.

A few of you are holding on to hope for us right now, and by all means, please do. Today I maybe had a tiny, tiny bit of hope. But it's hard to ignore the fact that my only viable pregnancy had me soooo nauseous by this time. And with all my losses, I felt exactly like this.

I guess that's the update for now. No signs of miscarriage or ectopic. But no signs of pregnancy.

It's just a crazy day in limbo.


  1. Awww Rachel I am keeping up with your posts with hope in my heart for you that its viable and you go on to have your baby I am praying for you still and thinking of you xxxx

  2. I'm so sorry, friend. I hope you find comfort at this difficult time. No matter the outcome, know you'll always be watched over. <3

  3. I'm glad you got lots of extra love from your girls today.

  4. Oh sweet Rachel! I know you keep asking yourself why you keep putting yourself through this. But we all know why. Just one more Sweet Baby Lord to hold, smell, look at and to love! As always Rachel I am praying for you and Ryan.