Today was a blah day, and the weather of rainy (close to) Seattle really matched my mood.
I haven't been sleeping well this week (a shock, I know). Every time I've woken up, I can't fall back asleep. So Maddy came in at 5 this morning, and I laid there for 2 hours just waiting to fall back asleep. As soon as I started falling back asleep, little miss woke up.
At least little miss was a little balm to my heart . Maybe she just knew I needed some extra love or something, but she was absolutely adorable this morning and made me laugh so many times. Her new favorite thing to say is, "Awww, man!" I think it's a revised version of "Amen," but she has impeccable timing when she breaks it out.
Later tonight as I was folding laundry, she wanted me. A LOT. She kept asking for hugs, and would squeeze her little arms around my neck so tight. Not in a clingy way, as she was actually quite happy. But usually, I'm the one offering more affection than she wants, so today was really out of the ordinary in a really good way.
Maddy, not to be outdone by her sister, gave me equal amounts of attention. At times, there was definitely a "fight for mom's lap" going on.
|At least I didn't end up like this today.|
Ryan graciously let me take a long nap late this morning. After I woke up is when the melancholy kicked in. I realized I didn't want to get out of bed at all. I didn't really want to do anything.
Ryan made me go take a shower. (Thanks, babe.) Maddy picked out my outfit, and did a pretty good job. (You guessed it. Leopard print. In her words, "You can never have enough leopard print.")
I tried VERY hard not to take a home pregnancy test as the results of those kept freaking me out, and caused a lot of stress. The nurse I talked to said that they weren't that reliable for measuring the amount of hcg, and I should stop.
I'm going to try to heed her advice again tomorrow.
As for the rest of the day, I felt mostly numb. I don't think I've cried a single tear, which is probably making up for yesterday, where I cried buckets of them.
I cancelled all my plans for this weekend. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be around people or not, but my husband is definitely someone who likes to be alone when upset, so I knew that I should just cancel everything.
I know I can't cancel all of my life right now, as we could still be waiting for weeks. (Or maybe just till tomorrow. Who knows?) But I am really afraid of being out of the house when the pain or bleeding starts.
It probably won't just start with a bang. I'm sure I'll spot, or get cramps. There will be signs. But I'll never forget passing what I knew to be my baby at a gas station off the highway with our last miscarriage. I want to do a better job this time of protecting myself from added stress (like being away from home when it happens.)
I guess I've given much more thought to this ending up as a loss, and not as a viable baby.
A few of you are holding on to hope for us right now, and by all means, please do. Today I maybe had a tiny, tiny bit of hope. But it's hard to ignore the fact that my only viable pregnancy had me soooo nauseous by this time. And with all my losses, I felt exactly like this.
I guess that's the update for now. No signs of miscarriage or ectopic. But no signs of pregnancy.
It's just a crazy day in limbo.