Tuesday, March 25, 2014

IComLeavWe -- Welcome to my blog

Hi new IComLeavWe'ers!

I've been so enjoying reading new blogs this week, and trying to give thoughtful comments ("the new hug").

If you found me through IComLeavWe, welcome!

You'll have to forgive me for not having the appropriate banner on my page. I have tried three times, and in spite of the step-by-step directions . . . and the face that I've already done this in the past . . .  I can't seem to make this work. 

So, in case you are wondering where I am and what I write about, here's the Cliff Notes version (are those things even around anymore?!) . . .

Two weeks ago we had our fourth loss in 2.5 years. It was early (oh how I hate that word) but our baby mattered to me and to my family. 

So if I seem a little preoccupied with grief and baby loss at the moment, it's because I am.

We've had one loss approximately every 9 months since I started this blog. We've been diagnosed with secondary infertility, as we seem to be are unable to carry a baby to term. We have no reason for any of our miscarriages. It is clear why we lost Olivia (she was ectopic), but we have no reason for the ectopic itself. Besides a prior C-section, we had no risk factors.

You'll probably notice I name all my babies, no matter how are when they come to us or are lost. Because they are little people, never to be replaced.

Maddy is our living biological daughter. She's 5 and fabulous.

Olivia was our ectopic baby. We lost her at 7 weeks when my tube ruptured in Dec. 2011.

Caleb was our first miscarriage. We lost him at 8 weeks. I had slow rising hcg and never saw him on ultrasound. He died Oct. 2012.

Little Miss is our foster-to-adopt daughter. She has a real name, but I can't share it until the adoption will be final . . . which I hope will be in a few short weeks!

Elliott is our second miscarriage. My hcg was normal, however he didn't last long. We only made it to 5 weeks with him, and we miscarried May 2013.

Sophie Grace is our latest miscarriage. She, too, made it to 5 weeks, but with low hcg. We miscarried her March 2014.

In hapier news, our adoption is finally picking up the pace. I'm looking forward the adoption, the party we are going to throw her, and a trip to Great Wolf Lodge as a family to celebrate.

I like to share other's stories of loss and love, because just having something written down can bring some healing and validation. I try to organize them so you can read the kinds of loss that you might be most able to relate to.

I also write about grief in general, depression, adoption, infertility, and other life stuff like faith and food. Besides the adoption, I know that doesn't sound like a happy list. And I guess it's not. But it's all a part of my reality, and other people's reality too. And I want to create a space where these issues are a safe place to discuss.

If you are from IComLeavWe . . . be sure to leave your blog in your comments below. I want to be able to read your words too.

Thanks for visiting. And happy (or, as happy as it can be) reading. ;)




  1. Hi from ICLW! I'm so sorry about all of your losses. I just can't imagine :/ I will say that the lil girl you are adopting is just simply adorable. i can't wait to follow you on this journey and celebrate with you in cyberspace when it is finally official. hugs!


    1. Thank you so much, Elisha. Reading your blog tonight. :)

  2. Blogging definitely isn't always about the happy things. For me it's about working through feelings of fear, anxiety and uncertainty sometimes. A lot of uncertainty actually, haha. I'm glad you have a safe space to come to be able to get out what you're feeling. Sometimes that can be so helpful.

    1. So true, Amethyst. I write because I feel like I can finally DEAL with my feelings once they're out of my head. Once I blog, I look back and read it, and am like, "Wow. Ok, so that's what I'm dealing with." It's like free therapy. :) I'll definitely be checking out your blog. Thanks for the validation.

  3. Hi from ICLW! I'm sorry to hear of your losses, my heart really goes out to you. I think it is important and special that you named each of your babies. The loss of a child is always the loss of a child, no matter how "early" (I too, dislike that term). I look forward to reading your blog and sharing your journey!

  4. Stopping by from ICLW. I'm so sorry to hear about your recent loss and the losses to come before. It is so hard to experience a miscarriage, no matter how far along you are. I look forward to following along with your writing.