Wednesday, December 28, 2011


So it's 3 am .... And im blogging in bed from my phone. (please forgive me for spelling issues or incorrect punctuation.)

I guess insomnia is going to be part of the new me. At least for a while. As soon as we found out something wasn't right with our pregnancy, sleep has alluded me till the wee hours of the morning. Even when my body is exhausted, my mind isn't ready to give in.

I've been around people for quite a bit today. Maybe i just need more time to process something.

One thing that's been on my brain is the sanctity of life issue. I'm pro-life. And i did not have to choose to abort my baby. But if there was one instance where i can understand it completely, it's in the area of ectopic pregnancy.

I've quasi-joined a forum for people that have had EPs (ectopic pregnancies). Many of them chose to end the pregnancy before rupture. And i can't fault a single one of them.

Tonight i read 2 blogs that felt very strongly that ending a baby's life is murder no matter what. (both were on the subject of whether it was morally ok to end a baby's life in ectopic pregnancy). They trivialize the risk (i felt) of rupture and maternal death.

Maybe because i seem to find myself in the small percent whose tube actually ruptured, i feel different about the risk. i am not a number ... Im not a statistic ... Im a person. A real live girl who has a hubby and a daughter to take care of.

I am more confused than ever about the issue. But my gut cannot feel anything but that women who have ectopics are both victims of a very, very unfortunate circumstance ... the kind that we all pray we never have to be in. In my mind, i just cannot see these women as murderers, (even as my brain tends to agree with the blogs' argument).
They all grieve very deeply for their loss.

And I'd also like to point out that women with a diagnosed ectopic are not given the choice to save their baby's life. It's always ... "Do you want the shot (if it's early enough) or surgery?" Not... "do you want to wAit this out to see if you naturally miscarry before your tube ruptures?"

On a different note, i started a journal for baby O. I haven't written in it (or on here)as i had intended, but its been very busy with Christmas, family and maddy's bday.

A few milestones i hit this week .... Saturday was the first day i woke up and my first thought was something other than "my baby is dead." i haven't cried as often ... But i think that's in part to All the distractions. My crazy, all-consuming emotional turmoil has been replaced by a dead, numb feeling of being in a really bad mood for no reason. My family has been amazing at taking me for whatever mood im in and loving me through it ... Even as my personality has been all over the place, many times in ways that are really not normal to me.

I've craved solitude, quiet and peace without much noise or clutter. Anything that i feel distracts me from thinking about my baby when i feel the need to makes me irritated and upset. I need to learn to listen to my heart more and excuse myself if i need to.

Physically, i am better. This whole thing has thrown my body for a loop with still having pregnancy hormones in me. Today's been the first day the nausea wasnt for more than an hour .... Yesterday, it was pretty miserable. My abdomen is still quite swollen, so most of my clothes dont fit. On christmas eve i was forced to wear maternity pants. Its salt in the wound to look and feel more pregnant now that I've lost the baby, than before when I actually WAS pregnant.

I am getting back to a more normal pace of life .... But still not anywhere near what i was used to doing. Today my body reminded me that i was still recovering when it insisted on a mid afternoon nap.

One last thing .... Im getting past the initial shock of not being pregnant anymore. The day after i "miscarried" (i thought i had passed the baby friday night , only to discover on tuesday that it was ectopic and i needed emergency surgery due to a ruptured tube) .... Anywway, the day after i miscarried, i was at panera and got coffee because i could. I broke down at the coffee table bc i could drink coffee now that i didn't have to take care of a baby in me. It sounds dumb... But getting through the firsts of not being pregnant has been hard.

I think taking down the tree will be hard. I was pregnant and full of life, joy and expectation as i hung the ornaments with maddy. That tree is the last visible reminder of my pregnancy ... Assuming that is, tha my body's swelling has gone down by then. At any rate, it just seems so final.

I guess that's it for now.

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