Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Remembering a baby I never got to meet

Today I created an ornament for Baby O. And just in time to take down the tree -- although I did put the ornament on and take a picture before starting to take down the tree.

I bought an adorable pair of newborn black and white flats and tied a silver ribbon around it. It works better for me than a traditional keepsake ornament that is so vague. This one says exactly what I want it to say about Baby O: I am a tiny little baby. I'm supposed to be here to celebrate Christmas with you. I am a part of your family. My shoes will never be filled by another. I am precious and missed beyond compare.

I'll keep the shoes in the box with all of Baby O's sympathy cards and other memorabilia that we've collected -- not that I have much.  I'm also using a cute pink velevet journal with a heart on the front to write letters to her.

We are burying the tissue that I passed in a pot with an oak tree seed my sister sent us to remember her by. One day, that oak tree will grow big and strong. Sending a tree was so thoughtful of Sarah

I had taken a picture of positive pregnancy test. I plan to print out that picture and place it in the box. When I feel like I'm forgetting -- like I was never really pregnant to begin with -- I look at that picture and it reminds me of how real it all was not so long ago.

Other gifts we've received are flowers from my friends at work, Ryan's work, my friend Melissa, and both the pastors at work. Several dear friends have brought by food. (In fact, I haven't had to cook in 3 weeks. What a relief!) My friend Meredith sent an amazing book, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow.

My friend Abby came over and kept us occupied with games. She fixed dinner for us, and brought us a frozen dinner as well. And she let me talk as much as I needed. They even bought me a keepsake to remember our baby by. My sister, Judy, and her family stayed with us. She let me talk and cry as I needed. Kept me distracted. Planned Maddy's party. Cooked meals and went grocery shopping.  And cleaned my ENTIRE house.  My mom and in-laws have watched Maddy a ton. And my mom has come over anytime I've asked to keep me company, fix meals, and clean my house. I have spent a LOT of time with my parents lately!

I've had so much support -- I don't know what I would have done without it.

In spite of everything, today I find myself wishing I could go back in time. It really wasn't that long ago -- and I was pregnant for 7 weeks (really only 5 -- but 7 sounds more solid). But I was just so happy. Having another baby was a blessing and a joy I didn't think I'd ever have again.

Ryan and I still have not decided what to do as far as whether or not to get pregnant. He feels like pregnancy is a death sentence. Not that I can blame him. The poor man has been called home or to the hospital in an emergency situation during my pregnancies more times than I can count. (Ok, I could probably count if I tried.)

But the truth is, me being pregnant scares him. Like, "I'm going to lose my wife and raise Madelyn by myself" scary. He admitted to me that when he came to the hospital for my surgery to fix the ruptured tube, he really thought he was coming to say a final goodbye. (I was in so much pain, he could barely make out that he needed to meet me at the hospital right then for surgery.)  Who can blame him for being hesitant to try again?

I'm scared too. But I was at such peace with my pregnancy with Baby O. I really think that I could do this again, and I want a baby more than anything in the world.


I guess that's it for me tonight.


  1. Dear Rachel,
    I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! I have friends who unfortunately have had miscarriages as well and it's never easy. It sounds to me like you really would like to have another biological child, so I would definitely talk to a few different doctors about the risks and their professional opinion regarding another pregnancy. Pray a lot about it and give it over to God and He will make your paths straight. I'm glad that you've had a lot of good friends and family helping you in this hard time. If you get a second, Meredith Andrews sings an amazing song called "You're Not Alone". Because in times like this, you are never alone!
    Love, Kim

  2. Rachel ,
    I'm sorry for your loss, I understand how your feeling more then you know. Kevin and I have been through two early on miscarriges already, and were pregant for the third time (ive kept it off facebook and haven't really told many people). but at my first apointment things didn't go so well and put me in the ER to rule out eptopic pregancy. At this point its a waiting game for us, they saw a sac and yoke but no baby which they should of seen, we go in for a follow up (2 weeks later) this saturday to find out what ends up happening. weve constantly been praying, and ive found my prayers started with please let this baby be okay its turned into please let us be okay with whatever your will is for this baby and give us strentgh to face whatever outcome happens. Ive tried to prepare myself for the worst, but I know whatever happens its in Gods hands and he will get us through whatever happens, as he will get you through this time. I'm not going to lie, it never gets "easy" there will be times that you least expect it when you will just break down, know that its okay to cry and its okay to be sad. Know that even though your in so much pain God is holding you and he has an amazing plan for you and your life. You'll have your good days and you'll have your bad days. If you ever need anything even if its just to talk, or for someone to just listen you can always call or text me or message me. Praying for you guys and for Gods comfort and healing. hang in there.

  3. Praying for peace & comfort for you, sweet friend. Hugs from Georgia!