Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Quick update

This won't be long as I promised I'd actually make an attempt to go to bed the same time as my husband tonight. Hopefully with the melatonin I just took, this will be more in the realms of possible. (Plus I have to get up super early tomorrow. Ok, super early is like 6:30. But considering I haven't been waking up until 10, that feels borderline impossible.)

So here are the quick updates:

  • I went to a support group for pregnancy loss. Helpful? Yes. Hard? Terribly. This will take probably an hour long blog on it's own. Just suffice it to say, I'm reaching out for support.
  • I've upped my time with my counselor. Same story as the first --another, separate blog is needed.
  • Went to the OB last week. She gave us her blessing to try to conceive again in 3 months. Again, I will have to expound on this, but at least I have some small world of hope.
  • I'm working through some really difficult but amazing books. Trying to work on my relationship with Jesus. To know Him more, and trust Him in all of this craziness.
  • Dealing with insomnia in a ridiculous way. Considering I used to be a narcoleptic, this is a huge feat. Although, it's not a feat I'm happy about. 4 am has been my new bedtime. And I am exhausted.
  • Still super weepy most of the time. Nights are the worst. Sometimes it's not even about missing Baby O. Sometimes it's just dealing with anxiety, hopelessness in ALL aspects of my life, and feelings of failure.
  • I went to work today, which I AM proud of. My friends were amazing to me, and we even had lunch in the corner of the office so I wouldn't have to see anybody if I didn't want to. Only talked with 2 people I hadn't planned on . . . and they were super supportive. I know people feel bad when they cry around me. But I think that's the best "conversation" I could have right now -- just crying together. I do miss my friends very, very much.
  • Ryan and I have been slowly getting more on the same page. We grieve differently. And I'm a different person now, with different roles. It's been an difficult adjustment for both of us. 
  • My body is STILL not 100%. I've had 3 other health issues arise since surgery, one of which was so painful I couldn't hardly eat or drink for 4 days. (And yes, I lost the baby weight and more during those 4 days.) Hoping for 100% health soon. (And I ate Chung's, nachos and ice cream tonight to make up for it. But not all at the same time!)
If you want to pray for me, pray that:

  • I would grieve well, and give myself permission to do that in whatever way is best.
  • That I would SLEEP on a normal schedule.
  • That I would have some energy to reach out to others during this time.
  • That I would take good care of Maddy and Ryan and our home.
  • That I would grow closer to Christ.
  • That I would be faithful to whatever God's purpose is in this whole mess.
  • Oh, and that I would be able to work through my depression without medicine, if possible.
I think that's it for now . . . got to try to hit the sack.

Thanks everyone for reading my posts. And for all your love and support.


  1. Rachel...I am so so sorry. I hardly go on facebook these days and just happened to see this. I went back and read through your last couple of posts.
    Any words of comfort seem trite in such circumstances, but I know your Heavenly Daddy is holding you in His lap in the midst and grieving with you.
    I'm proud of you for being so open. I've had many friends suffer from miscarriage and it is so often a secret grief. I think because people can have trouble understanding the true depths of grief that such a loss causes. I think being open about it is so helpful and healing not only for yourself but also for other women who have experienced similar loss. I will be praying that Jesus, our intercessor who is intimate with our suffering, lifts you up into a place of comfort and healing.
    And I will also be praying you don't feel guilty about any of your grieving process or any of the behavior it causes in you. "Normal" right now is not being normal...and that is okay,even necessary.

  2. I'll be praying your list, Rachel ... though not necessarily in the order listed. *hugs* #'s 4&5 are key to the rest (I know, I've been there). Love you!

  3. I love you and I'm praying for you, sister.