Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Good day ... Rough night

Tonight has been a little rough. I don't know why. It's just that the sadness I always feel a little is becoming overwhelming.

Sometimes I forget I'm still grieving. I want so much to minister to others however I can. But then sometimes I just am so overwhelmed with sadness, I can't think about anything else.

Sometimes I listen to the lie that I don't "deserve" to grieve. I did not have a stillbirth. I did not have to bury a child. I did not go through labor. I did not have 20, 30, or 40 weeks to bond with my child. I have a picture of a positive pregnancy test. That's all I really have of my daughter.

As often as I have heard that you can't compare loss ... And as often as I espouse the same view ... I still struggle giving myself permission to really feel my loss. To admit that I lost a daughter, not just a pregnancy.

I held a newborn today. She was beautiful. I kept thinking ... I almost had this.

Seeing one more time what might have been made me so sad. It's a feeling I haven't been able to shake. It makes me wonder if I am trying too hard to get back to normal life too soon.

I was asked today how many kids I had. A question I used to ask all the time. But I think I'm going to stop asking that question. Today, I hesitated and said "1." I kinda wished our baby had been stillborn so I could least acknowledge her existence. Instead, I don't feel like it's ok to count her as one of my children. I claim to have lost a baby ... But didn't even count her as a child of mine. This is one area where I feel like an early pregnancy loss is pretty rough.

I would like to have had a picture of her. I would like to have seen an ultrasound. I would like to have felt her at all ... Feel her kick and hiccup. I would like to have held her hand.

I have a picture of a positive pregnancy test. That is all I have of my daughter. And it makes me so sad.


  1. That was powerful Rachel! I am sad with you and want you to know you're in my prayers.