I'm glad that our year is divided into months. Knowing that when I go to sleep tonight and wake up to a new month and a new start feels very refreshing.
I cannot wait to put January behind me and move forward to February.
January actually felt harder than December, even though we lost Baby O in December.
The first part of December was full of the most amazing joy as we found out we were pregnant and shared the news with our closest family and friends. Then there were all the Christmas parties, saying goodbye to work, holidays, family and friends that were at least a distraction in the midst of grief and pain. Also, the majority of my support happened those first 2 weeks after our loss.
But January was a different story. January felt like a battle. I struggled in some way every single day.
There were no holidays to look forward to. I could not find any joy in the "new year" as I had anticipated welcoming a child that new year -- not mourning the death of one. I felt like I heard bad news almost every day from friends and family. My life was completely opened up to the world of child loss. I had no idea SO MANY BABIES DIE!! My whole Arbonne team was hit HARD and I think most of us felt in our businesses as well as in life. I struggled with old feelings of doubt, fear and failure that I thought I had moved past. Ryan and I faced less work and more bills, including a car that needed to go.
It felt like so many decisions needed to made. I questioned past decisions that I had previously felt completely at peace about. I struggled with decisions we would need to make in our future -- like if we would try to have another baby, and when.
The one bright spot in this abysmal month has been my blog. It's been the one area in my life that I felt successful at. A place that brought validation to all my feelings. A place where I could just be raw, empty me. A place without expectations, goals or anyone else to please. A place just for me. I love this place.
I've been very encouraged, too, by how well received this blog has been. At first, I was afraid to break the barrier of silence around our loss. To announce to the world something that is so often shrouded in secrecy. But I am so glad I choose to share this journey because it has helped other women across the world, while at the same time, helping myself sort through my feelings. (And just to be clear, I don't begrudge any woman for keeping her pain silent or secret. Every person can grieve how they want -- this just worked for me.)
I'm excited to say that in January alone "the lewis note" had almost 1,500 pageviews. I never, ever expected that.
If you have read even one entry -- thank you. Thank you for your comments, your tears, your grief and your laughter. Thank you for joining me on this journey and accepting me for who I am. Thank you for encouraging me to write. Thank you for sharing this on FB, or with friends and family. Thank you for any prayers you might have said on behalf of my family. Thank you for telling me your own deeply personal and treasured stories.
Please let me know if there's anything you'd like me to write about within the realm of miscarriage or pregnancy loss. Or if there's something (like your own story) that you'd like to share. I want this to be a safe place for everyone to share.
Wishing for each of us a February that offers new beginnings,
Rachel
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