Monday, January 12, 2015

Microblog Monday: My holy grail

Last night I had another dream.

This time, in my dream, I peed on a stick and it turned positive. I was pregnant. In the course of my dream, my belly grew. And grew. And grew. 

A swollen, laden, precious belly. 

I don't wish every day to be pregnant anymore. 

But there are days. 

Days when I think ahead to not having a baby in my arms once Z leaves. 

Days when someone announces a pregnancy. 

And days when I just dreamed all night long about being pregnant. 

The truth is, I don't really remember anymore what that feels like. Being REALLY pregnant. 

Not the pregnant where you actually have a live baby with a heartbeat, and your stomach swells. Not the kind where you get to do a registery, and people throw you showers, and everyone wants to feel the baby move.

I remember that there was a lot I didn't like about being pregnant.

So I wonder why it is so much my holy grail these days?


  1. Those dreams are so hard because they also stick with you through the day, coating your skin like a residue.

  2. I haven't had one of those dreams in a while. In fact, I can't remember how long it has been. But I remember them, and how I felt the next day. It was what they represented that made them so painful.

  3. rachel your story hits home i know exactly how you feel having suffered three losses i am terrified i will ever hold my own child in my arms

  4. the thought of another pregnant woman makes me upset and i dont think that is right but its as if everyone around me is falling pregnant while i cry every night and pray for a miracle which seems hopeless