The baby I wanted to miscarry

Dear woman who Googled "how to make myself miscarry,"

I'm not sure if you know this, but my blog has this feature that lets me see how people find my blog.

Many of the search terms make sense:

Miscarriage at 20 weeks

Ectopic pregnancy

What to do if I miscarry

Baby loss blogs

etc.


Every once in a while, I get a search topic that makes me just stop in my tracks. Your search topic, for example.  "How to make myself miscarry." It broke my heart.

I don't know how much of my blog you read or saw, but I want you to know that I too had an unplanned pregnancy. I too was horribly upset by it, and couldn't imagine my future with this child a part of it. I hated being pregnant, and wanted to miscarry.

I bet you probably didn't expect me to tell you this -- as I'm a baby-loss blogger -- but I want you to know, it's true.

I was at my wit's end, and wanted to end my pregnancy. My moral compass and beliefs since I was a child wouldn't actually allow me to do anything about it. So I just wished I would miscarry. I just wanted to be UN-pregnant.

It wasn't until I actually almost DID miscarry that I realized I actually wanted this baby. But even after the miscarriage threat had passed, my bond with my baby was tenuous at best. I still struggled with our bond even after the first year of her life.

All this, and I was a married woman. With support. (A lot of support actually.) With a job and enough finances (although it didn't feel like it at the time.)

If I felt the way I did when all the circumstances around the pregnancy were actually GOOD -- I can only imagine how you must be feeling now.

Maybe this baby wasn't planned. Maybe you were raped. Maybe you are a teen, just past a kid yourself. Maybe there's an affair involved. Maybe you have more kids than you feel you can care for. Maybe you are in a huge financial struggle. Maybe your partner is abusive.

Or maybe, you're just not ready. Not yet. Just like I was.

I don't know your circumstances, I don't know your despair, and I don't know your ending.

But I know mine.

Every fear I had about our baby was eventually laid to rest. The child I kept in my womb and gave birth to just graduated Kindergarten at the top of her class. She's a smart fireball, and I love teaching her all sorts of science, math and reading. We snuggle every night and read books together. We go to playgrounds, cook in the kitchen, and she is the sweetest little helper to my other children.

I want you to meet the baby I wanted to miscarry.

I don't tell you that I wanted to miscarry with pride. I tell it to you because you're where I was. And I know how hopeless, scared and out-of-control you might be feeling.

But I want you to know that if I had miscarried my daughter, I would likely not have had a chance to have another biological child. (I did end up losing my next 4 children in pregnancy to miscarriage and ectopic.) What I was so scared of turned out to be seriously one of the biggest blessings in my entire life.

And the next biggest blessing? Adopting a baby from a family who could not provide the safety or security she needed. 

You may not have the circumstances I did. But I urge you to reconsider granting your unique child his or her life. If you just can't parent, I understand. There is no shame in that. But know that there are lots of moms and dads who would love love love to have a baby to support, nurture and love. 

All is not lost my friend. There is hope. There is healing. And there is life to be had. Even if it doesn't feel like it.

Please reach out to me if you need some support, or someone to talk to. My email is renyeart@gmail.com.

Thanks for meeting the baby I wanted to miscarry. And I hope with all my heart, that one day, I might meet yours.

With deep love,

Rachel