Sunday, February 23, 2014

My letter to Olivia



Dear sweet baby girl,

I'm sitting at my way-too-cluttered desk right now, tears dripping down my cheeks, with Kleenexes everywhere, and Meredith Andrews belting out with her sweet, sorrowful voice.

And I'm instantly back to two years ago. Sitting at the same desk (it was just as cluttered, I'm sure), listening the same music, with mascara-stained tears slipping silently from my swollen lids. It was the day I posted my first baby-loss post.

No. It was my first "Olivia, you are gone, and I don't know how to live without you" post.

That day, as I wrestled with God over why . . . As I struggled to imagine a lifetime without ever experiencing your newborn cry, chubby toddler hands, rambunctious hugs, highschool dances, or the first birth of your own child . . . As I felt so, so alone . . . As I felt that I would never know happiness again . . .

Then. Right then. I felt that if I could only help ONE other person. If just one other person in this world of ours felt supported, felt loved, felt understood in their loss . . .

Then maybe your short little life and death were worth it. Just maybe.

Baby girl. Did you see it happen?  Did God tell you that your short little life reached someone this weekend? Someone who needed to know that babies like you matter. Babies like you can never be replaced. Babies like you deserve everything we give our living kids.

Did you know?

Not only did your short little life touch one someone. You reached 250,000 someones.

Some people say a baby at 7 weeks can't make much of a difference.

My sweet girl -- You did. You made all the difference in the world.

You made a difference to moms who have had a chance to share their baby for the very first time. Babies that you might even play with up in heaven.

Dads who got a chance to speak about grieving a child in heaven.

Nurses, pastors, teenagers, grandmas and grandpas who all learned how to help someone else who has experienced a baby loss.

Do you see? You are passing it on. Your beautiful legacy . . . it is growing, it is changing, and it is amazing.

I'm so proud of you.

You will never leave my heart, and I'm better for it. Your life opened me up to the deepest pain I've known -- and through it, you have shown me the greatest joy in the midst of suffering. The joy of helping someone else.

If you could make such a difference in just 7 short weeks of your little life inside me . . . I wonder how you could have changed the world with a lifetime outside. If only . . .

Olivia, I never heard your voice. But I want you to know, I'm trying to be your voice the best that I can.

And right now, my little girl, the whole world is listening.

I hope you are proud of me too.

I love you more than you will ever, ever know.

Please give your brothers a kiss and hug for me.

All my heart,

Mommy

10 comments:

  1. Rachel as always your words are so moving! You touch the pain in side us( those of us who know your loss, because we have had that loss). Thank you for continuing to share your story. . .

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  2. Wonderful post.. brought tears to my eyes.. Almost 11 years later it's just as fresh as yesterday for me...

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    1. Thanks for reading and commenting Steven. It's crazy what time DOESN'T take away

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  3. Hi Rachel,
    I am so moved by your words to your precious Olivia. They ring so true and deep to my heart, as an aching mama here on earth. We've suffered through the loss of 5 babies (4 pregnancies, our first with identical twins). I came to your blog as someone shared your post about miscarriage and the pro-life perspective. I'm so sorry you have endured the loss of each of your babies, and thank you for speaking and honoring them and all angel babies in such a beautiful way.

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    1. Margot, thank you so much for reading. I'm so sorry for the deaths of your 5 precious kiddos. I'm glad that in someway, this my writing is helping in some way.

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  4. "Olivia, I never heard your voice. But I want you to know, I'm trying to be your voice the best that I can." Beautifully said, friend. I'm so proud of you and for using the voice you have been given to bless so many, even through your pain. I love you. (Hugs), Anna

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    1. Thank you, friend. That means so much to me. Love you so much, and your 3 girls. <3

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  5. absolutely beautiful I couldn't help but think I was talking to my own daughter. It has been about 7 long months. I struggle everyday, but I'm also a survivor! I'm so pleased to have found your words!

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