Sunday, February 19, 2012

How am I doing?

I get asked how I am doing a lot.

I remember a few weeks after my loss, I was asked causally by a client how I was. I casually said, "I'm doing good." And then, I kinda freaked out.

Did I just say, GOOD? Is that true? Am I good? If I am good, does that mean I'm over it? Is it OK to be good, or is it not OK? What does good mean, anyway?

Needless to say, I don't really remember the next 5 minutes of our conversation because I was just trying to figure out if I really was "good."

I have since created code words for how I am doing . . .

"Good" means today isn't bad.
"Fair" means today is bad, but I'm working through it.
"I'm alive" means that today is really, really bad and I'm really struggling.

I would imagine if you just read my blog, you would think that every day is an "I'm alive" kind of day.

And some days, it is. And those are the days I typically write on my blog.

But not every day is hard. Some days are fair. Some days are good.

Some days I am full of praise in my soul for my Savior. Some days I drink in everything about Maddy and savor her life. Some days I almost forget about my recent loss. Some days I can appreciate even the little things -- making alphabet pancakes with my daughter, the warm familiarity of my hand wrapped up by my husband's, and the comfort of a good cup of coffee shared with a friend.

Every day, though, I do think of Olivia. Some days, it feels like every other thought. Some days, I remember her for a few moments, and move on. Some days, the pain is overwhelming. Other days, it feels like a slight bruise that I only notice if somthing or someone "bumps" it.

Usually, I can only answer for how I am doing in the moment. Because every moment really is different.

So, that's how I am doing.

How are you?

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