Saturday, February 18, 2012


It is night. I curl up beside my husband. But I am alone.

I squeeze my eyes shut. Sleep will not come.

But the dream will.

It is just a dream. It is everything but a dream.

It happens so quickly. It happens so slowly.

It is night.

Maddy and I are on a boat. For no reason, she falls.



The dark, hungry waters consume her.

She is gone. But I know she's still there.

She is terrified. She is drowning. She is dying.

I cannot jump in the water. I would never find her.

I am helpless.

I am alone.

My eyes fly open. Heart pounds. Hands sweat.

It is just dream. It is everything but a dream.

 I am curled up beside my husband. But I am alone.

A child grew in me. My baby girl.

Precious baby.

She was not alone. And neither was I.


Until my body rejected her.

A flood of blood consumed her. My blood.

Precious baby.

Drowning. Dying.


And finally. . .


I cannot stop the flow. I cannot help her. I will never find her.

I am helpless.

It is not a dream. It is everything but a dream.
It is Life.

It is Death.

It is night. I curl up beside my husband. But I am alone.

I am alone.


  1. Never alone. God is with you, your baby, your daughter, your husband. How many times have I dreamed of my precious daughter alone in that ravine? The pain is so intense I thought it would kill me at first. Then, the Lord told me very clearly "I was there". The Bible states "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints" Psalm 116:15. Your baby, my baby...they were not alone. The Lord's comfort and love is even above that of a mother. Once I came to that conclusion, I realized My Savior, Her Savior would never abandon her. Of course, I care more about her pain then mine so, I wish I could have taken the pain for her and she simply got Heaven. The truth is that we learn to lay our Isaac down before the foot of the Cross. Trust the Lord with your precious Olivia. Love, Cheryl

  2. Thank you, Cheryl, for your words. For sharing from your deeply painful loss of your precious girl. Sometimes, I have envisioned God in me, taking my little Olivia into His hands and ushering her to heaven. I hope there was no pain. I hope that she simply awakened into heaven, into God's own arms. Even if there was pain, I know I just have to trust God in this.

    Feeling alone and helpless has been very real for me. But, it is getting much, much better.

    I was struggling with nightmares while still awake for weeks, which interferred with my sleep. My counselor helped me piece together the meaning of my dream -- and since figuring out what I was feeling, I have not had the nightmare anymore. It's as if my body NEEDED me to acknowledge feelings that I was trying to hide. Since then it has been much better.

    I just wanted to write out my experience, and my feelings . . . even while things are so much better now.