Monday, March 16, 2015

Microblog Monday: Of memories gone so soon

So as of last week, I have gone an entire year without getting pregnant and having a loss. 

I reached a goal. Leading up to our date I felt good. I felt like I have come so far in a year. I feel like the break from pregnancy and the (sorta) break from grief has been immensely helpful.

And yet, on the anniversary of our loss I was in a total funk. All day.

 The funk hasn't quite left.

What if that is my very last pregnancy? Do I want end my fertility (or lack thereof) on that one bitter note? A pregnancy that seemed doomed from the start? One that lasted a measly 5 weeks of low hcg and low hope? 

My period raged the week of our anniversary. It was a physical reminder I could have done without.

I also had a different sort of loss last week.

Leyla killed my phone with water.

I had 1,000 photos and videos on that phone that are lost forever. Most of my time with Z is on that phone.
And this week (as communication with mom has picked up), the reality that our time with Z is so limited really hit hard.

He is not my son, but for all intents and purposes, he is. He comes to me with open arms and a huge grin on his face. He calls me mama. I can soothe him just by picking him up, when Ryan can't get him to calm down. We're really bonded that little one and I. 

The loss of almost all our pictures has me a little heartbroken. I was counting on those photos to remember him through the years. Remember his cute babbling, and how he crawled, and how he walks arms outstretched and palms up. The photos of cuddles, and sister time, and goofy grins. I can't seem to stop tearing up about it. 

I already miss him.

I didn't mean for this its to sound like such a downer. Truly, for the most part things are going well. I think hormones and broken phones and anniversaries just got to me a bit.

And one little word of advice if I can ... Go back up your pictures now. I promise, it is worth the little bit of time and effort



  1. I think your funk is completely understandable. I'm sorry you lost all your pictures, how terrible! I hope this next year is a better one for you. Baby Z does totally have an awesome goofy grin :)

  2. I'm so sorry you lost your pics, Rachel. Our computer died when our daughter was a baby, and we were only able to recover some of the pics from the hard drive. It was devastating.

    I know what you mean about not wanting your last pregnancy to be such a sad memory. Mine was also doomed from the start. But it has been more than two years now, and I can promise that, should you choose to call it quits for good, that memory (and most of the emotion that goes with it) will fade. Even after four losses, when I look back on the last decade, the memories that immediately come to mind are the ones associated with my one living child. It does get better. Sending hugs...

  3. I am so sorry you lost your pictures! That makes me so sad. I do backup the phone photos every few days or weeks depending on how many I'm taking. But I'm still nervous.

    Is there any way a professional can get the pics off the phone?

  4. So heartbreaking. I was going to suggest the same thing as Mel - worth a call/visit to the store you bought it from or a trusted repair person to take a look at it.

  5. I know it's nothing compared to some losses, bit losing pictures of my children devastates me. (Proving that most of my experience with loss is not on a level with your own.) Sending a lot of love, and hoping there is a way to recover some of them. Were there any you sent to someone else that they may have stashed away? Any you may have uploaded to another site? My phone automatically uploads all photos and videos to both Google and Dropbox so I don't have to think about it - my husband could only tolerate one go round with a broken phone and my overreaction. I still have to double check that they're all uploaded to both sites before I can delete them from my phone, and I upload my favorites to shutterfly manually, as well!! I know that won't help with lost pics, but just HUGS... I've been there.