so this post just might be really garbled and flow of consciousness. So forgive me. And bear with me while I dig in.
A few weeks ago, I asked if any of you felt that you were meant for something more.
I am feeling that so much, every day, pressing on my heart.
Purpose. Purpose. Purpose.
Every day, I feel in the trenches. I'm working through old fears, and old tapes playing in my head, and fighting a war with lethargy and comfort.
I'm daring to break the boundaries I've put on myself.
I'm trying to believe and trust in a God that's bigger than me and bigger than my giants.
God is using so many people and circumstances and trainings and books to just pour into me. I feel the clay of my life under his potter's hands. And at times, I just want to fight it.
Embracing truth brings to light the ugly in my heart. I see the selfishness, the pride (oh pride. Oh. Oh. Oh.) I see how I let infertility and loss just ROB me of my confidence, my belief that I AM WORTH IT, and my hope in the future.
One of the purposes I feel called to is to be a writer and a speaker. I have loved writing ever since I learned how to put a pencil in my hand and scrawl out illegible letters. I developed a creative voice in middle school. I took on a job as a proofer, only with the intent to move to a copywriter (which I did.)
But in spite of my passion, and my blog, FEAR (and how big that fear is) has kept me from starting my book.
Can I share with you why I am so afraid?
I am afraid to revisit pain. Truth is that I have spent so long trying to survive, that now that I'm on the other side, and in many ways thriving . . . I feel like I can't touch that pain with a 10-foot pole. Let alone write about it. Let alone let myself REMEMBER what it feels like to lose a child in pregnancy. What if I go back, and I can't get back out again? What if I get lost in the murkiness of anxiety, depression, grief, sadness?
What if I've healed to much that I'm no longer relevant? Maybe I revisit that pain, and I'm found lacking. What if my words don't carry the weight that they once did? What if I have lost my voice?
What if you don't like it? What if no one buys it? What if (worse) no one even publishes it?
And it really just comes down to the age-old fear that I have let RUN (completely run and ruin in many ways) my life . . .
And I also promise that I'm going to do everything on my part to grow my business -- and even more so, focus on growing into the person I need to be in order to lead.