Thursday, November 6, 2014


My heart is overflowing with emotions right now.
That of course is nothing new for you readers. But there is this juxtaposition of everything in my heart.
On the one hand --
We had a fabulous day. I love my new moms group I'm a part of.
As an "infertile" mom, I usually avoid these kinds of groups. But with Baby Z in my arms, it is easier somehow -- even as he is not mine to claim. Plus, the focus is not as much on pregnancy as other groups I've been a part of -- so this really is the perfect fit.
I just have felt "filled up" after coming home the last two weeks. It's such a welcome break from the every day of cleaning, cooking, changing diapers and handling tantrums. (Not that I am complaining about those things -- just saying that a break for the day in, day out is a welcome relief.)
Also, we had Z's PT appointment today. He blew them out of the water with all his progress not just in the last 2 weeks, but in the last 3 months we've had him.

He started CRAWLING today -- just to show off for them I think. We were so excited. The PT and special educator could not stop talking about how well he is doing. Technically, he's still behind. But he's made such progress, it really is like seeing another baby than the one we had even one month ago.
And so my mama heart is full. I'm proud. I'm excited for him. I'm feeling refreshed and ready to tackle some of my big dreams.
But then my mama heart is also broken and angry.
I don't watch the news. But I have noticed a trend in my newsfeed lately. Horrible, horrible things are happening to kids. 

First, there is the lady with the bridge.

She took her 6-year-old to the middle if this ginormous bridge at night... And threw him over the edge. 

As a human, I can't comprehend this. My heart just can't wrap itself around what would make a mother kill her child ... And then in such a horrifying way. 

But as a mom to an almost six-year-old ... There are no words. I see my little Maddy before me, and I wonder what that little boy felt. I see in my mind his arms and legs wrapped around his mom as she hoists him up. I can only imagine his terror when she pulls him to the edge, and lets go. 

Why?? This is senseless. I want to rewind time and tell her to drop her son off at DSHS. Or a friend's. Or anywhere but over a bridge. Why can't time just go backward for once?

I want to take away the fear this boy felt. I want to take him away from a mentally unstable mom and give him a good home. 

And then today, I read this. 

A 3-year-old boy beaten to death. Tortured for 3 days until becoming unresponsive ... Hanging upside down while his mom laughs at him. 

His crime? Not eating breakfast. 

How he died? 

 "Little Scotty McMillan is dead. Over a three day period ... he was systematically tortured and beaten to death. He was punched in the face and in the stomach. He was scourged with a homemade whip. He was lashed with a metal rod. He was tied to a chair and beaten. He was tied upside down by his feet and beaten. His head was smashed through a wall."

And I just can't stomach it. 

Why? Why did no one notice that these children were regularly beaten? How could anyone intentionally beat a child? 

And so ... I'm left with a juxtaposition.

On the one hand, I see so much good going for the little man I'm helping raise. So much hope and growth and laughter. I feel so much hope for our family.

And on the other ... Kids are being beaten and tortured and killed by their parents and caregivers. 

I wish my home were big enough for them all. I wish I could protect every child from abuse. I wish every child belonged to a safe and loving family. 

I wish we all could do just a little bit more for these kids.

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