Thursday, June 5, 2014

Mary's Story: Recurrent loss and postpartum depression

Thanks, Mary, for sharing your story. I hope it provides hope and healing for others.

When I was 17, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I was told from early on that it would be hard for me to get pregnant. At the age of 20, a doctor gave me the option to have a hysterectomy. I told him no way because I wanted to at least have one child. 

When I was 22, my doctor found that my left tube was blocked and needing repairing. 

At 23 I became very close with a friend of mine and her boyfriend. We all shared an apartment together. She shared her story with me about how she had an abortion and how she mentally suffered from it. I'm not saying I agreed with what she did, but as a Christian I am a firm believer not to judge others because that is for God to do. I was a good friend and supported her emotionally. 

A couple months later I was pregnant. I think my friend was mad at me for being pregnant. I could tell something wasn't right, though, and I delivered my 6-week-old tiny tiny baby in the toilet. 

Before I lost the baby, I had a dream of a beautiful baby boy with blond hair and blue eyes. I still see this image as of today. I believe the image was a gift from God. 

That time was so hard for me. I cried all the time and was so depressed. The doctor gave me Valium, but that didn't even touch the hurt and pain I was feeling. My friend wouldn't talk to me or acknowledge me after the loss. I needed a friend and she wasn't there for me. The depression got so bad I gave up and tried to overdose on my medicine. 

Well, God wasn't ready for me yet. I ended up in a mental facility for about a week. I had postpartum from the miscarriage. 

To heal from the grief, I got a tattoo of a word in Chinese that meant child. Well at least that's what the tattoo guy told me. My doctor at the time (who was Chinese) said my tattoo read "Son." I looked at him kinda puzzled and said, "What?"  He said, "Your tattoo reads Son." 

I was in shock.  It was truly the perfect tattoo for me. When I was 26, I got pregnant again. Again, I could tell something wasn't right. 

I ended up in the emergency room. I had a tubal pregnancy in my right tube and they had to do an emergency surgery due to my tube bursting. 

The second time was a lot easier for me since I had the love and support of the father, but the relationship did not last.  

At that point, I had one tube that was reconstructed and severe endometriosis.

When I was 30, I met a man I fell madly in love with. He wasn't from this country and meeting him must have been fate.  I told him all about my history and how I felt regarding me not being able to have children. He had three all in different countries. 

We got engaged and spoke about adopting. We were together for a year and a half and never used protection. At the end of the relationship he started to get abusive. We were living in New Zealand at the time. I knew it was time for me to go back to the States. 

When I was waiting at the airport I felt like I was possibly pregnant but brushed it off due to the fact that I was convinced I would not be able to get pregnant. 

3 days after returning home, and I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive. I was in shock. 

I had a very healthy pregnancy and God blessed me with a beautiful baby girl -- 8 lbs 9 ounces.  Her name is Mazey Grace. I named her after my favorite hymn Amazing Grace, because I was once lost and now I am found. 

She is 6 years old now and every day with her is a true blessing. 

A year after she was born I had a hysterectomy.  I may not be able to have any more children, but I am OK with that.  God taught me that when it is his time to answer prayers he will answer them. 

This is one of my favorite quotes I have found. "God doesn't give us the people we want, He gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and make you the person you were meant to be."

Thank you for listening my story.


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