Thursday, June 5, 2014
Brandy's Story: Finding peace in God through the loss of 7 children
Brandy, you are right. How does one possibly respond to the deaths of 7 children. Much of your story resonates with mine. Except my number is 4. Not 7. Thank you for sharing not only your losses, but also your healing and hope. I pray that it will help someone else.
I am a blessed mother of 8 beautiful babies. 7 babies of whom I have never been able to see smile, laugh or hear them speak. One day, I will. Most people are speechless when they hear my story. How does one respond?
For those of you who are faced with loved ones grieving the loss of miscarriage -- in my honest opinion -- there is no right way to respond -- because in my experience, most mothers don't know how to grieve. Just do what seems natural to you -- I am sure it will be received in love by the grieving family.
Our story started all the way back in 2005. Seems like a lifetime ago. Newly married, we were excited to tell everyone and anyone about our news. At the first ultrasound, the tech was silent. She didn't say anything. She left quietly to get our doctor. That is when the doctor broke the news that the baby would not survive. We were devastated. We lost child number 1 just weeks later.
About 9 months later, we were pregnant again. I was so scared. We didn't tell anyone. Through the whole pregnancy I just trusted God that it was his choice and I was going to let him decide. I remember hearing the heartbeat at the first ultrasound, I started crying. Not just a couple of tears, but full-fledged weeping. Even up to the day they decided to take her early, I still let it rest in God's hands on whether or not we would be blessed with a child. I fully trusted him. It wasn't easy -- but necessary. She was born in June of 2007, a perfectly healthy beautiful baby girl.
Since then, I have had 6 more miscarriages. My doctor has tried many things to try to help, but in the end, my babies all left before or close to the end of my first trimester. My most recent experience has scarred me the most. It was a week after Christmas in 2013, that we discovered it. I called my doctor but being that it was their Christmas break, it was difficult waiting for their office to open back up. Then it was the New Year’s holiday, so more waiting for them to open to get my test results.
I was so excited; I instantly called one of my close friends who had been praying for me for the past 6 months about this very thing. She broke down in tears because she and her husband had just found out they were expecting number 4. Could it be that God was going to bless us both by allowing us to go through this journey together? We knew it had to be a sign. We prayed all the time, praying that my body would be strong enough. I posted my walls with even more Bible verses than normal. I clung to all of the morning sickness, thankful for it, praying it was helping my body to do what it was supposed to do. My doctor continued to do blood tests to monitor my progress.
Then one morning, the nurse called with the devastating news. Of course, it wasn't devastating to her because I am sure she makes that call all the time. But I hit rock bottom, right there. My hormone levels were decreasing. My body was once again not strong enough to carry the little one with whom I was blessed.
Sitting here 2 months later, I wish I could tell you I know why God has allowed this to happen in my life. I absolutely love children and know that I am a great mom. However, I know that it is not a reflection of who I am as a person or what I do. I know that it is not due to God overlooking me because I am sure that He was up there crying more than I at having to take yet another child from my womb. I have learned not to ask why or why not.
I have learned to step back and look at life a little differently. It is possible that my gracious most Heavenly Father is protecting me. I know that it doesn't sound like it after experiencing so much pain, but it is very, very possible.
I know historically many women die in childbirth. My body did not carry my daughter very well in 2007. It fought me every step of the way. I came down with preeclampsia so they had to take Janelle early and then they struggled with getting my blood pressure to a stable state. I have never had problems with my blood pressure, but they could not get it to go down and were afraid that I was going to have a stroke. They were of course very cautious with how much detail they went into as to not raise my stress level higher.
However, it is very possible, that my loving God gave me Janelle to fill my heart’s desire. To say, "Brandy, I know this is what you have wanted your entire life." It is very possible, that on that day, in June of 2007, that He wrapped His loving arms around me and held me tight and kept me here on Earth to experience all that He has for me. I have come to the realization that there is a good chance my body is not capable of carrying a child -- but I was blessed and protected through carrying one.
Most people do not understand the pain of losing 7 children or even losing 1. But our Heavenly Father does. He gave His only Son for us. And I know that He is my ultimate comforter. When I think that no one else understands my pain, I know that He does. And the greatest thing is that I don't even have to be able to put it into words. He knows, He sees, and He feels right along with me. I encourage others to turn to Him for their peace when they go through life's trials. He is the ultimate peace and through Him, you will find comfort and joy again.