Change

It's really a very odd experience bringing a child into your home from someone else's home.

I love this little one. And, most days, I'm very excited.

Other days, I feel sad that she has to go through this. I feel sad for her first family, even as I recognize that it was a choice. (But then I wonder how much of a choice is it really, when they feel that God is leading them in this direction?) I feel slightly overwhelmed at times trying to figure out the appointments, paper work, and rules that I need to follow.

We are in the middle of transition right now (where she goes back and forth between homes). Whenever she's not with us, I miss her. And I'm so happy to see her again when she comes back. But then toward the last day that it's time for her to go to her first family, I realize that I'm looking forward to the break.

Not so much a break from HER. Just a chance to go back to what is normal and comfortable with me.

Her time to move in permanently (or as permanently as it gets) is approaching, and I find myself both excited and terrified. It is easy to get swept up in the beauty of loving a baby. It is hard when you realize your priorities must shift. The way you organize your time. And even the attention you give to the rest of your family and friends.

A baby changes everything.

As wonderful of an addition she is, it's going to take us some time to adjust before things feel normal.

Maddy is loving having a little sister, and she's adjusted better than we thought. She also, seems to feel more "stressed" toward the end of our time. Maybe not stressed -- maybe just jealous. Like, "well, having a sister is fun. So when can we give her back and you can focus just on me again?"

She also doesn't seem to completely understand what is going on, and why.

The other day in the elevator, she turns to a complete stranger and tells him "Oh, this baby isn't ours. Someone just gave her to us."

As much as I want to correct her, but I guess on the level she understands, that's just about right.

(And I know you're probably wondering what that guy was thinking. I was too. He gave me a quizical smile, but before I could come up with the right words to explain the situation, it was time for him to get off. I think I secretly was hoping he wasn't dialing the police or anyone, thinking we had stolen a baby!)

Many people have commented on how happy I look when I am with her. And I am. I am very very happy.

But honestly, I'm still sad. I'm sad I missed her first year. I'm sad this little creature is on this journey at all. I still miss Olivia and baby Lewis. I wish both of them were here, and I knew them both. I'm still sad that I'm not sure if we'll ever have one of our own.

Pregnancy/baby announcements hurt less. So does walking through a baby aisle. But when a character on a TV show this week gave birth, I found myself crying.

It's a weird path that I feel that I'm walking.

In other news, I need to find a new counselor. Not because I want to (because I don't.) But she feels like there's a better counselor for me who can help me more -- so, off I must go (dragging my feet.)

Also, I went to see my rheumatologist yesterday. UGH. What a disappointing experience. He just looked at me like, "so, why are you here?" He didn't feel like he had enough lab work to come up with any diagnosis (if there is any.) When my miscarriages came up, he simply dismissed them with an "oh, that's normal."

I wanted to say, "Well, next time your kid dies, I hope someone tells you that's normal."

Instead, I just kept my lips sealed.

He ordered about 10 more tests, and I'm supposed to get an x-ray on my lungs the next time I have chest pain. (Which I've had two episodes of chest pain since my appointment yesterday, but I don't really want to go in. Well, I don't really want to pay for a chest x-ray -- that's really the issue.)

I was told the appointment would take about 40 min. Instead, he was with me for MAYBE 10, and I felt really on edge the whole time. He never asked if I had questions, and rushed me out the door for bloodwork, and literally almost ran out of the door to head on to his next patient.

I got a call back on the bloodwork, but when I called back, I was put on hold for 15 minutes. After that, I just gave up. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. Or maybe not.

OK, I think that's all the updates from me. OH -- this post wouldn't be complete without some pics. :)