Tuesday, May 8, 2012

"I want it all!"

Last weekend, I was in Vegas for my business conference. This year, they added the Prize Patrol. It sounds corny as I write it, but it was actually kinda fun. You're in the middle of a conference soaking in amazing training, when suddenly sirens go off, lights are flashing, and it's time! Time for the Prize Patrol! (I warned you that it was corny.)

The prizes varied from tee-shirts to backstage passes to meet Sara Evans to . . . the "I WANT IT ALL!"

(And in case you're wondering, winning the "I WANT IT ALL" gets you all of my business's new products for free, which of course, all of us wanted.)

The ladies who were drawing the names probably had one-too-many fizzy tabs to drink that day. But when they got to the grand prize, they would ask, "What do you want?!?!?" And we'd all yell back, "I WANT IT ALL."

But -- that was last weekend. The lights and sirens are a distant memory. I had no keepsake prize, no amazing free set of products. In spite of that, I still feel the echo in my heart. "I WANT IT ALL."

And I do.

I want to be pregnant. I want Olivia back. I want my business to skyrocket. I want Maddy to be safe and healthy. I want our family to be able to live life by design, and not be default. I want freedoms and choices. I want control over my body, control over my pregnancies, control over my life.

But I also want to surrender to God. To lead a life worthy of His calling.

I know deep inside that I cannot, in this moment, have it all. I can't have Olivia back. And I can't get pregnant, in spite of our efforts. And yet again, I'm learning that in most things, I simply don't have control.

But there are a few things that I can control, and I'm clinging to that. I can control my attitude, even as I can't control my grief and feelings. I can control my mindset, time and activity I put into my business -- even as I have to let go of the outcome. I can control in some small way the demands I make on my body.

Ryan and I have chosen for a short time to stop trying for a baby. It's a super hard, emotional decision for us. (OK, let's be honest. It's really only hard for me.) But I have to recongnize the limitations of my body. My body has a track record of not doing pregnancy well. I don't know how I could keep up with the momentum of my business and the needs of my family while feeling pukey all the time. Or worse, while being completely devastated over another loss.

Plus, the two-week wait alone is making me crazy. For those of you who have gone through this year after year (even month after month), my heart goes out to you. I don't know how you do it.

Even as I feel mostly at peace with our decision -- knowing deep inside that it is a relatively short wait we will have before we try again -- it still breaks my heart to know that I won't be pregnant when Olivia's due date comes around in August.

I had always counted on getting pregnant right away. In fact, because both of my pregnancies were "accidents," I just assumed that if I wanted to be pregnant and so much as blinked, it would happen. Not so much.

So I have something new to grieve. Another expectation that I didn't realize I had that is now lost.

Many times a day, my heart still screams out  "I WANT IT ALL," as if I could ever forget. But I am trying to make myself whisper gently back, "Be still. And know that God is God. Everything is in His hands."

I might not ever have it all.

But really, when it comes down to it, the most important thing is that I have Him. And He will never change. And He will never be taken from me.

1 comment:

  1. Ah ... control ... I know that desire all to well. But ... with control comes responsibility ... copability ... for everything that goes wrong. It means that I have to personally redeem everything. It means I have to prepare for everything that could happen, even if I have neither the knowledge nor resources to do so.
    This is what I remind myself every time it hurts - every time life reminds that I have no control.

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