Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Microblog Monday -- My deep, dark secret

A microblog is something that I would NORMALLY write on FB, but instead am posting here on my own, personal web space.

But honestly, what I'm about to confess I wouldn't normally post on social media.

Here's my secret:

For most of my life, I've had a crappy self-esteem.

For me, I think it is my thorn-in-the-flesh. The thing that I struggle against, make gains on, then fall back on, over and over again.

These days, the good ol' confidence is just about gone. Even though this summer, it was totally not an issue at all.

I think there are a few reasons for this:

1) I'm so super sleep deprived. Sleep deprivation does nothing good for you. Like, nada. nil. zero.

I posted on FB recently a great article on how being sleep deprived leads to an early death. No, really, it was great. Depressing, and yet enlightening. Since I'm too tired to go back through my FB feed and find that, I'll just post this here for your easy reading:


Check out #5. Oh, and at the very end, when it talks about 6 hours of sleep instead of 8? Well, I'd kill to have 6 hours of straight sleep a night. That to me is heaven. NOT deprivation.

2) Baby, crazy toddler girl, and brand-new kindergartner take up so much time.

I don't feel like I have the right to complain about this, as most of my posts are about WANTING a child, facing infertility, etc. But ... Please indulge me for just a moment. 

I have appointments up the wahoo. Between all of us, I feel like I live at the doctor's office. Or our social workers have moved in here or something. There is always something to do, somewhere to go, a diaper to change and a mouth to feed. In other words, I take last place. 

A starved soul feeds on itself. And my soul is pretty darn ravenous right now.

3) Sometimes, I can't keep up. And then I don't let up.

Recently, I made a big mistake in my business. Instead of forgiving myself, and moving on . . . I mentally berated myself for my lack of integrity in not following through. Ok. I'm calling it here and now for what it is. It is not my integrity in question. Or my character. Or how much I care about my business. Plain and simple, I blame my brain. It's already forgetful. But then tack on reason #1 -- and forget it. Just forget it. I'm a goner.

My house? My house looks like crap most days. Today I got my office a bit tidied, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed the floors, and de-cluttered the entry way. But guess what? Dinner dishes are now still on the table, dishes are overflowing. And my laundry room is inaccessible. By a mountain. A mountain of clothes in a stinky room because I keep forgetting to put the wash in the dryer. Such a simple concept, yet beyond me at the moment.

So instead of just saying, wow, my house looks like crap. I turn it into, "Wow. My house looks like crap. What kind of person am I to expect my kids to be raised in a mess like this?"

Ummm... I'm pretty sure I'm just a normal person. But my mental state insists its really another character flaw.

4) It's getting darker. Which, historically, is not good for my mojo.

5) I haven't been exercising. (I MISS MY TONED ABS AND CALVES!!!)

6) I'm adjusting to a new baby. Please tell me that counts for something right?

7) I've really fallen off the bandwagon. As in, the bandwagon has gone and left without me.

My goal this summer was 30 min of personal development, 30 min of exercise, and 30 min of spiritual discipline each day. Guess what? I was doing it, and I was feeling great. I got outside with my kids, had alone time nearly every day, and personal development was a top priority.

But -- not so much now.

My new goals? Squeeze in a nap while the toddler and kindergartener are watching WAY too much TV and hope they don't kill each other while I doze.

This totally happened the other day as they were playing quietly. I thought all was well. Not so much.

So that's me. That's my secret that maybe you knew, maybe you didn't know.

What's yours? What's your thorn that you would do anything to get rid of and do without?

PS. I just remembered this is a micro-blog. As in, micro . . . small. Shoot. I guess I don't really know how to write small posts. Better luck next week.


  1. Ha -- I was like... wow... this is long for a microblog :-) It's all relative.

    My thorn... probably worrying. I worry a lot. All day. Every day.

    I think you've hit it though with the sleep deprivation thing. There is a reason that withholding sleep is a form of torture. It hurts to not get enough sleep.

  2. Great post. Sleep deprevation, like stress can cause your mind to do things, think things that you could do without like our insecurities. I used to really care about what others thought of me, and that kind of went out the window a couple years ago. I call it my epiphany thanks to health issues. Or maybe it's just that things change once you're in your thirties.. who knows.

    I'm rambling. Makes me think of your micro blog, lol. I do the same thing... so many evenings I set out to write a short blog entry and it ends up longer than usual. Go figure. I struggle with my weight a lot. I used to not have to work at it to stay thin... not the case anymore and it eats at me, yet I can't find the right motivation to want to actively do something about it... One day... I hope to get back to a better weight.

    Thanks for this post. It's nice to know you a little better :) <3

  3. My thorn hands down is anxiety.
    It can be absolutely crippling and the exact opposite of how 'I want' to feel.

  4. That photo is hilarious! Creative kids. Don't worry--this, too, shall pass. Grab some sleep when you can, and beg friends to play with the kids so you can catch up a little. It will make a world of difference.

  5. Adjusting to a new baby counts for *everything*!! I identify with so much of this post! This too shall pass? Hearing that got old but it turned out to be true! :) And no beating yourself up for forgetting the "micro" part of microblogging! Venting a little can be almost as good as a nap. Except not.