Thursday, May 22, 2014
Calling it for what it is
This. I'm doing this.
For whatever reason, today I just know I need to stop ignoring my inability to be on time ANYWHERE, no matter whether it is important to me or not.
I am tired of feeling overwhelmed at life.
I'm not even talking about grief here, or running a successful business, or any of the big stuff.
I'm talking about remembering to return library books without racking up a $25 charge every time. (Is this public service really supposed to be free???)
I'm talking about remembering to call the insurance to get my daughter her vaccines on time. (And I'm only 4 months late on that one.)
I'm talking about not spending at least an hour a day looking for missing keys, phone, wallet, driver's license, our cash budget, shoes, etc. (MY shoes btw. This doesn't even cover all the kid's stuff I lose, or they lose.)
I'm talking about remembering what I was saying, and being able to complete a sentence. Those of you who know me well, know that I often lose track of what I was saying and will more often than not, be unable to complete a sentence. Or a thought.
Or I will complete them with a word that has NO relevance whatsoever to what I was saying. For instance, the other day I was trying to get Maddy to pick up her back pack. I kept saying, "Maddy, get your jacket" (while pointing to the backpack.) Shoot. Wrong word. "Maddy, get your sweater." (still pointing. Still wrong word.) "Maddy, would you just get . . . . it?"
"Mom, do you mean my backpack?" she asks, following my finger with her eyes.
"Yes, that! Please get it."
It would be funny. Except it happens all the time. And sometimes the wrong word isn't just wrong. It's flat-out-embarrassing.
I'm talking about not walking into a room MULTIPLE times for something, but always forgetting what I need the moment I walk through the door.
I'm talking about being 100% overwhelmed by clutter in my home. I hate it, but I don't know how to deal. It's enough to send my into a "tight ponytail hair day." Paperwork is my nemesis. My ARCH-NEMESIS.
I'm talking about booking an important phone call, and remembering all day to do it, then 5 minutes before, forgetting and that important phone call is not made. This will happen over, and over, and over again. It's not just that it's important in general. I mean, this phone call MATTERS to me. And yet, I'll still forget.
I'm talking about having a friend I've known for years, then suddenly forgetting their name in the middle of a conversation. This happens. Often.
I'm talking about finally remembering to write thank you notes. And then losing them. And then finding them years later.
I'm talking about having NO sense of time.
I'm talking about the fact that I'm either a tornado, or a zombie. There is no in-between with me.
I could go on. But I won't.
I'm not trying to "create" a diagnosis if there is none. I'm just saying I'm tired of coping, tired of pretending I can function normally, when half the time, I'm looking at all of you with absolute wonder in my eyes. "How do you DO it??"
When my parents first approached me about it possibly being ADD (as it does run in my family), I looked at them like they had just each grown a second head.
I mean, ME?? ADD?? I was the one who always helped my ADD brother through his schoolwork. I was the one that always got A's in school, and was a "star" student. I'm the "over functioning" person that always juggles a billion things at a time.
But as Ryan and I sat down to go through the book they suggested, I started seeing it. I had Ryan take the test for me, and I scored pretty high. I took the test separately, and we both saw the same things.
So I've finally made up my mind. I'm going to pursue this. If it goes nowhere -- great. If it does go somewhere, then at least I know. At least I can maybe stop mentally beating myself up over every single time I'm late, forget something, forget a word, overdraw my account, lose my keys for the 4th time that day, and forget your name. At least I can start to figure out coping solutions.
You are so OK to comment. Please just don't tell me that I'm making this up, or that these behaviors are normal. Sure, they may be normal sometimes. But when these things interfere constantly with the quality of your life, it's really not normal. (And I promise, it's not due to sleep deprivation. My kids have slept through the night for the last 3 years.)