Thursday, October 17, 2013

It's complicated

I think I'm pregnant.

But I'm probably not.

And that's exactly what I tell myself over, and over, and over again.

Your boobs really aren't THAT sore. And I'm pretty sure they were more sore yesterday, so that means you're not pregnant.

You're always this thirsty. (Not.)

That's not pregnancy nose. That's completely normal to gag at the smell of a chicken coop, when every once else seems to be just fine. And it's normal to think your clean drinking glasses smell weird, too. And for all the sudden not to be able to stand the smell of your kids' breath. (Right??)

You can't be pregnant. You have insomnia. If you were pregnant, you'd be dead asleep by 8.

You can't be pregnant. You weren't trying hard enough. You weren't doing enough RIGHT things. You weren't taking a prenatal. (Goodness, should I start??)

 You can't be pregnant. Because you ALWAYS think you're pregnant. And only 4 times have you been right. And only 1 time have you brought home a baby.

Which brings me to number 2 . . .

Even if you were pregnant, what gives? More than likely -- I'll bet somewhere around 99% -- you'll only be pregnant for a few short weeks. If that. You'll battle hope v. realism every day. Until the bleeding starts. Or the pain starts. Or your breasts feel less tender. Or the ultrasound screen comes up empty (again.) Or your hcg levels start to drop. Or your tube ruptures. Or. Or. Or. Or. Or.

None of the scenarios obsessively playing about in my head right now are about a live baby.

It's more like, what the heck am I supposed to do with another loss? How can I protect my heart? What if I just pretend I don't care? Will it hurt less then? What if I expect it? What if I tell no one?What if I tell everyone? How can my family deal with more bad news? What if the test is negative, and all this obsession is really for nothing?

And why the heck did we have unprotected sex to begin with?

And why the heck am I secretly willing that pregnancy test in a week to come out positive -- even when I know the outcome likely won't be?

And when the heck did all this get to be so dang complicated??

Ps. I wasn't pregnant.

1 comment:

  1. When you want to be pregnant thats all your mind can think about! Every time you and your so have sex, deep down in the back of your mind, you think I hope we make a baby. You tell yourself you are not going to "try" or worry about it. I have two beautiful daughters. My oldest daughter I got pregnant when we were not trying. I assumed trying for #2 would be the same. Nope. I would cry month after month I didn't get pregnant. I felt like sex was not about the love me and my husband had for each other but it was the "right time". At the end of april 2013 my period was late. I took a test and ir was negative so I said maybe it's too early. Trying to be positive. A week went by and no period. I said I have to be pregnant and took another test. Negative. That night I was laying on the couch having the worse back cramps ever. Way worse than any period cramps ever. I was saying back pain is a sign of pregnancy. I got up and went to the bathroom and started bleeding. I cried so hard I couldn't see straight. I thought I started my period. For two days I had heavy blood and pain. I knew it wasn't a period. I never had a doctor tell me it was a miscarriage but I am sure it was. The next month my period never came. I was pregnant. I have my beautiful baby girl now. I wish I knew if I had an angel looking down on me or not bit I think he/she sent me my little newborn laying on my chest.

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