On becoming her REAL mommy

Lately, God's been putting it on my heart to check the email I had set up for our open adoption. (Well, if it wasn't God, it was something. Something was pulling at my heart to check it.)

Anyway, I had been procrastinating. I guess I feel like there needs to be some separation for me from bio parents.

At first, when we got little miss -- I felt like she was OURS. She was MINE. I was mommy.

But experience after experience, and person after person, reminded me that she was NOT mine and I was NOT mommy. Not really.

And so I think that belief has taken root.

I have found myself referring to her as our foster daughter. I don't know why. Other than the idea was planted that she wasn't ours (because she's not) and it's stuck.

I started seeing her bio parents as her real parents. I still think of her first family as her family.

So I needed (ok, still need) some separation from her bio parents so I can establish myself (even if only mentally) as little misses' REAL mom.

And so -- I didn't want to check my email. Just IN CASE bio parents had written. Just IN CASE they accused me of baby-stealing. Just IN CASE there was this overly emotional plea of how much they miss her, and they need to see her.

But whatever it was on my heart kept pressing -- and so I checked the email this morning.

There was no email awaiting me from bio parents. But instead, an email from bio grandma.

And it was really, really sweet. She was happy that little miss has a good, new family. And she was happy to see she now has a big sister. And she asked if she could still send presents, letters and photos to little miss.

I really enjoyed writing back and giving her some of the updates. "Little miss hates the sprinkler, but loves the pool. She gives kisses now, and blows kisses too. She signs several words, and is babbling a lot. She's going through a growth spurt, and we can barely get the food down fast enough . . ."

It reinforced to me that pursuing an open adoption is the right thing. I know this grandma would have taken care of little miss if it were physically possible of her to do that. But it wasn't. So I feel blessed that we can keep their relationship going. I think it will be so good for little miss to have that connection to her heritage.

Apparently this grandma was also giving our social worker some family medical history, so I'm thankful for that.

In other news, we got a little more time to complete our paperwork! THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT! I must admit I'm still daunted by the adoption process. Perhaps it's because I can never have more than 3 rooms in my house clean at one time. And either the dishes are done, or the laundry. But never both at the same time. Either my business is booming, or my house is clean. I really can't seem to do it all. And so adding a TON of paperwork (*NOT my strong suit*) to the mix is a little, er . . . a lot daunting.

In other, other news . . .

Little miss has started giving me kisses. Real kisses. And it's so dang cute.

I call her name, stick out my lips in a kissy face, and she comes running with her mouth wide open and plants a slobbery one right on me.

I love it.

Earlier on my Facebook page I wrote that sometimes it's hard to bond. But today I found myself saying "I love you so much." And I realized I meant it with every fiber in me. It felt good not to hear myself say it, knowing my heart wasn't always in it.

I've read and heard from others that when it comes to adopting, you have to leave feelings out of it. Not that you are an unemotional blob. But that you do things whether you feel like it or not. You act like you are the best mom for that child, even if you question it. You give them snuggles, and hugs and kisses, even if they've just thrown the biggest tantrum for no reason and your still angry you can't figure out what is wrong with your child. You love them, even when you don't feel loving.

And that is what I have had to do lately. Love her, even when she screams very loudly for a whole day and I have no idea why. Love her, even when she goes around the house putting everything in her mouth and I can't get anything done because I just have to tag along keeping her safe. Love her, even when she arches her back, and cries because I had to put her down just for a second. Love her, even when I can't get the food down fast enough and she bangs her head on the back of the high chair out of frustration.

But the beauty of it is I get to love her when she gets an owie, and comes to me for comfort. Love her, when she's sleepy and yawny and just wants some time in the rocker with mommy. Love her, when she's giggly, and happy, and makes the cutest faces ever.

I guess it's just like being a mom to your own child.

Love isn't a feeling. It's actually the opposite. It's an action, through and through.

But for today, I'm loving loving her.