Monday, September 17, 2012

Too much loss

I find myself at a loss of words for what to write. The last few days have been so hard ... Just as hard as the days after we lost Olivia.

Today we buried my grandma. Honestly, I've cried so much since finding out late Wed night that she was gone. At this point, I don't feel like I can talk too much about it. This will have to wait for another day.

About 12 hours after the loss of my grandma, we got my blood results back. I am pregnant. Or maybe I should just say "was" pregnant.

My hcg numbers are super low. I would have been 5.5 weeks, but the nurse gave me no hope that this pregnancy is viable.  I started bleeding that day.

Both losses happened so quickly... It's hard to describe my day on Thursday. Trying to plan a trip for a funeral to KY, going to the drs for bloodwork and ultrasound, caring for Maddy, arranging babysitting for a week, rescheduling my business calendar ... All while grieving for the loss of a new baby and the loss of my very dear grandma. All in 24 hours.

I still don't know yet if the pregnancy is over. I don't know if it's a simple miscarriage or ectopic. I'm definitely questioning if I'll ever be able to have my own baby again.

And I'm absolutely devastated about my grandma.

Sometimes, life is just so hard.


  1. Rachel -- I am so sorry for your losses. I am praying for you, my dear precious friend. <3

  2. Still thinking of you daily, Rachel. And I'm so, so sorry... Hang in there, mama. You're one strong woman!