Casting away

I just finished watching Cast Away.

A beautiful movie. Tom Hanks did one of the best acting performances I've ever seen. And the part where He reconnects with Kelly. ack .... The tears.

They fell extra freely tonight.

"I am so so sad Kelly isn't here with me now. But I am so grateful she was there with me on that island."

A lesson in letting go. 

Sometimes you just love so much, you have to let them go. Let them go home.

At times, I worry ... Will Z wake up crying one night and want me but he can't find me? Will his mom know the way to rub his neck to soothe him? Will his little heart be so confused when Ryan, Maddy, Leyla and I aren't anywhere to be found?

And even as I ponder these things, I remember that he will likely never remember us. If all goes according to the plan set out now, he will only know our faces from the pictures we will send with him. He may only remember our names ... Not momma as I'm now called ... But Rachel Lewis, first foster mom, from his records.

If all goes according to plan, he will let us go, he will attach to his bio family, and he will have the building blocks for love and attachment ... Even as our faces' will be no more familiar than a stranger's.

This is the plan so far. 

And as I hold him each day, I just feel grateful he's a part of my life RIGHT NOW. In this blessed, beautiful whisper in time.

He might not be with us forever. But we have today. And what a beautiful, beautiful gift it is to love this baby right here, right now.

Perhaps the day will come that he has gone home. And I know that I will at least be able to say, "I'm just so grateful he was here with me at all."

What an honor and pleasure it is to love you, Z. Whether you are here for a year or a lifetime ... I'm just so glad you came.