Moving -->

Today we met our new (7th) social worker.

She was nice enough. She didn't seem as awkward coming over as some of the other social workers were (the state workers that is.)

It turns out that she is brand-new to adoption. She spent a few years at CPS, but we are her very first adoption case. And not only is she new, but she let me in on a little secret .... Her supervisor is also brand-new.

Sigh. Not quite what I was hoping to hear.

She was nice enough. And believe it or not, I did have my house almost entirely picked up (minus a few dishes from breakfast in the kitchen). She asked if little miss was easy... I quickly said no. Then she said, "So was Maddy easy?"

"Ummmm. Nope. Definitely not. My family doesn't really DO easy."

Just to make a point, Maddy had the most ginormous fit which included hitting and kicking me when our social worker was there.

The social worker commented that I was very patient. To be honest, I was thinking... "do I even have a choice?" I could either be super impatient, and lead a miserable existence because I deal with fits a lot in my life. Or I could be impatient in front of this brand new woman who will have a big say in our lives.

I don't think so.

So, I think I kept things together as well as I could.

I did notice I got a little bit grumpy toward the end of our appointment. But i think that was for three reasons. 1) I'm just tired of explaining everything over, and over and over again. I'm ready for someone to know us, know what's going on, and just be in the loop. We were just getting to that point with the previous worker, and I'm not ready to make the switch. 2) I was just waiting for her to ask about our miscarriages. She asked if maddy was our bio kid. And so then I just was on edge, waiting. I know my miscarriages have to be in the file. I'm required to tell them every time I have one.

So when is she going to open that can of worms?

3) Both girls were quite active, and I was having a hard time concentrating on the information she was trying to give me.

At the end of the appointment, I just sighed thinking, "Well, at least we have our agency's social worker. She knows what's going on, and she'll help me through this whole process."


Except, I found out later that day that she is leaving our agency this week.

So, it's up to God. All of this legal paperwork intimidates me. Newbie asked me to fill out a form I already filled out; and we went back and forth a few times on if I filled out the right thing. I want someone I feel like I can just trust to walk me through this process (which is why we have an agency to begin with.) I don't
want us ALL to be new!

And yet. We'll be switching social workers on both the state and the agency side at the same time for the FOURTH time in 7 months. Sigh (again.)

I don't mean to sound negative.

It's just that this whole process is hard to go through, and I'm ready for it to be over. I'm ready for her to be ours. Little Miss ----- Lewis.

Oh, and btw, if you wondered why I call her little miss, it's because I can't use her real name on social media or internet. But she does have one. :)

I am ready for her to be mine. I'm ready to be done with social workers, and agencies, and people in and out of our homes, and having to sign as "guardian" or "foster parent" instead of "mom." I'm ready to just move forward.

And honestly, I feel that way in so many ways in my life.

I shared with a friend today that I feel like secondary infertility and pregnancy loss has infiltrated me to my core.

Lately, I've been feeling infertile as a mom. Infertile as a business person. Infertile as a homemaker.

It's as though this idea that I start things I'm incapable of finishing ... Or that I can't achieve what my heart yearns for... has colored my whole world.

I am soooooo tired of crying. I'm so tired of grieving. I'm so tried of feeling incomplete and not enough.

I'm frankly just over it.

I'm trying really hard to come to terms with the fact that where we're at just might be it. I know I can't handle another loss right now. I feel like it would rip me apart.

So the only thing to do is move forward.

Keep plugging away at this adoption. Look forward to February 5, our next court date. Keep working on supporting women through my support group. Grow my team. Invest in myself. Make personal care a big priority. Set goals again, and stop being so afraid of falling short. Savor the family of four that I have. And be ever grateful for the loving man God has placed in my life, who I wouldn't trade for the world.

So. Raise your (proverbial) glasses girls. Here's to moving forward.